Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just blew my weed a kiss
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
