I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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