Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
