i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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