i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
