My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
