dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
