you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
