I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
