12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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