just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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