Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We need to rekindle our bromance
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
