it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
