I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
