'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
