my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
