I want to make a zoo with you.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
