I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
