I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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