Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We had sex on a dog bed..
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
