tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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