When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
