No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
