I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
