Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
