This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
