we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
