My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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