We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
