i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
