; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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