i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
