They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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