Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
