She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
