I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
