Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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