i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
