It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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