and she was petting her beer can
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
