I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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