hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
