Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
