hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
