hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
