My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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