Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
