well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
