Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
operation harelip BJ is a go
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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