I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
