Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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