Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
We named our party play list daddy issues
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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