Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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