I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
