I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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