would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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