Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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