I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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