All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
