i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
We got so high we made milksteak
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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