I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
