I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
