Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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