You just made me feel so damn special
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
