My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
They have beer where we have blood.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
