i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize