Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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